Wrapper: U.S. Pennsylvania Maduro
Binder: Sumatran
Filler: Dominican
Size: 6 x 50 Toro
Strength: Medium/Full
Price: $8.90 (A couple bucks less online)
My cigars have received 3 months of naked humidor time.
THE WHOLE MEGILLAH:
It’s Useless Cheap Cigar Tuesday. Or IUCCT™ for short. Also, short shrift for Intravenous Umbilical Clown Corpse Torque. It’s a secret military program that the public is not aware of…if I disappear, never utter the words ‘katman is a stooge’ to anyone.
I’m going to set a precedent and not mention death this entire review. I fucked up and spelled death. Damn. That’s twice.
Speaking of root veggies, this cigar starts out with a pungency that is redolent of the finest Yemeni Black Licorice™. Up second is Sweet Jellied Moose Anus™ or SJMA (This is also a popular fraternity at the major universities in Utah). In the tertiary spot is handpicked Estonian/Syrian Diet Kelluke™ Cream of Leek soda. So far, this cigar is looking pretty good. Nothing out of the ordinary for a fine Caldwell blend™.
On the other side of reality, I taste the elements of black pepper spiciness, dry nuts (as in Dr. Rod’s dwindling possessions), rotten sea kelp, fortunate son Vietnam Pho, and slight notes of bleached perineum hair. Alrighty then…a great cigar.
I’m not drunk. I’m loving this cigar blend which may rank as the finest cigar I’ve ever smoked. No Padron, Thompson Explorer Habano, Nub Connecticut, CAO Gold or La Aurora could live in the shadow of this unbelievably delicious treat. Caldwell should be cast in bronze and displayed at the next PCP Cigar Festival™ in 2024. If not bronze, Lucite will do.
If you love cigars without even a modicum of sweetness, or flavor, this is the cigar for you.
Despite my high praise for this blend, I also detect a minor league richness sprinting to the wall only to drop the ball and settle for the ump declaring no foul. What?
The cigar is not horrible. Trying to make it to ‘OK for a $9 stick. How do you find tobacco leaves that don’t have the slightest intention of displaying any modicum of natural sweetness. No fucking idea…but Robert™ accomplished this mean feat.
My cousin Fred did a couple tours with Elvis™ running the horn section. He had stories. The one I remember was how they would be pelted with women’s panties. Sounds cool until it happens. No Hazmat suits in the 70’s. Yikes.
What is this brilliant blend doing. Not much. Reminds me of the time a toothpick caught fire while in my mouth. Long story. The toothpick didn’t survive.
Well, the burn is horrible. So, there’s that. The toothpick had a better char line.
When cigar manufacturers pump out mass quantities, do they even pay attention to the drek produced with their names on it…not a fucking clue.
I could compare this wonderful stick to a Casdagli…but then Jeremy would let loose the dogs of war and order the Estonian Secret Police™ to find me. Not a pretty ending. Think of dead Generalissimo Franco™. (Damn)
And now the cigar is burning oh so slow. Who needs the ESP when you have the tobacco version of Abu Ghraib™.
Ash falls into my lap. The Genitals™ do not respond. Dead nuts. Double damn, did it again.
Cigar manufacturers are all little girls. Their feelings are hurt so easily. It’s not curing cancer. It’s not solving the world at war. It is getting you to spend $40 on a 2 hour trip that leads to nowhere. I could mention names…but you probably already know. So why should I suffer the slings and arrows of more death threats. I get plenty.
The window is open. It is -27 degrees. This is the most plausible reason my nuts did not respond to burning embers. Retreat is always the best form of aggression.
If you’re still reading this, I’m very sorry. The brilliance of this cigar has me distracted.
Strength is full tilt. I never know if strong tobacco or excessive masturbation is the cause of my blindness. It baffles doctors. I use the term excessive with extreme flippancy. Why did I just think of Flipper™.
And is your dog getting enough dolphin kibble.
The cigar is…OK.
You can purchase a wide variety of Caldwell™ blends at sponsors Small Batch Cigar™ (10% off with promo code ‘katman’), Luxury Cigar Club™ (15% off with promo code ‘katman’), and Cigar Page™.
RATING: 85™
I forgot to plug the PerfecDraw. Dr. Rod will send death squads if I’m remiss. Damn…did it again.
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Categories: CIGAR REVIEWS
