Arturo Fuente Opus X Perfecxion No. 77 Shark
Wrapper: Dominican
Binder: Dominican
Filler: Dominican
Size: 5.5 x 52 Square Box Pressed
Strength: Full
Price: $38.00

THE WHOLE MEGILLAH:
Sometimes a cigar smells wonderful: sweet barnyard, strong floral notes, coffee, milk chocolate, potent honey, and dried figs.

The square box press is gorgeous. A heavy cigar in the hand. Hard to believe it maintained its erection for 10 years…don’t ask. But the baby is plugged like a corpulent politician’s toilet after a cheese curd frittata brunch. Do I have something to fix it, or should I wax poetically about how disappointed I am with the manufacturer’s rollers? My PerfecDraw rides in on a neutral-colored horse. 30 seconds later, the chaos is over, and I’m left without the opportunity to complain ad nauseum.

This is an immediate killer smoke from the first puffs. Yeah, it’s everything you thought it’d be. My head flies back like my daughter has me in the usual choke hold (Her mode for asking me to babysit her boys).

Bangin’ notes of honey, creaminess, lemon citrus, edible flowers, vanilla, and café au lait. Wow.

I recently reviewed the 2016 Fuente Fuente OpusX 20 Years Celebration God’s Whisper. A dud of the highest order. This square headed freckled boy is making up for it in spades.

Cinnamon, creamy galore, the tracks of my tears, dried fruit, chocolate, black pepper, lemon rind, floral, and honey. Double wow.

Some cigars stink to high heaven. This baby sends aromatic flowers into the air shot from a tee shirt gun.

A beautiful slow roll. Heaven, boys…heaven. Taste-O-Vision. I’d love to be a cigar reviewer in 100 years.

Strength is full but without any hint of nicotine. Bulbous walleted newbies should try this cigar.

Not a single place in Milwaukee to buy real bagels. Why do gentile bakeries always add sugar to an innocent bagel? I threw caution to the wind and ordered a couple dozen to be flown in on a rabbi’s wings from NYC. Living in Chicago found me stopping and buying an onion bialy before I visited jobsites. Fat Bastard body shape followed.

My recording engineer got his start at a Hollywood studio that looped dialog for porn movies. Actors sat in a circle moaning and groaning into mics. The new engineers had to pay their dues with the gay films. 8 hours of that was something that the folks at Abu Ghraib could have used as their main focus of torture. But no one ever accused the CIA of being creative.

Perfect construction. It reminds me of my days in Quentin when they did some renovations…very professional and the involuntary rapes quieted down a bit.

The second half and the whole crowd chimes in: Complexity, subtleties, nuances, balance, richness, and shifting boxer shorts.

Age has toned down the strength to that of an out of tune polka. You can still dance to it but if you’re there, you thought Lawrence Welk was groundbreaking. I don’t know what that means.

The last third is the flavor wheel turned over under sideways down. Explosive. Diminutive. Congealed. Powerful. Distinct. Complexity is yellow matter custard dripping from Fred Maug’s eyes.

Smoking a square cigar can be confusing when the strength is denying your brain oxygen. I don’t care. This was more fun than watching a drunk parallel park.

RATING: 95

Padrón Family Reserve 1964 No. 85 Maduro
Wrapper: Nicaraguan Maduro
Binder: Nicaraguan
Filler: Nicaraguan
Size: 5.25 x 50 Box Pressed
Strength: Full
Price: $24.00

THE WHOLE MEGILLAH:
There is a plug. The dawn of a new day appears. Dr. Rod is draped in linen. Is he dead? No. He is just kinkified. He rises from his shower chair. The man towers over the young ferrets at his feet. Their jaws drop in wonder. The linen slips to the floor. The ferrets run. I snake the cigar with my PerfecDraw. One more image burned into my brain that can never be freed. I shall be released. Amen.

I only found a couple of written reviews and they go back 12-13 years. I was gifted this stick so there was no monkeying around and I’m doing this blind. Not a fan of blind. Let the professionals do that. Here goes nuttin’ honey…

You can never go wrong with a Padron blend. This brand may just produce the most consistently excellent smokes in the industry. Sure, they need lots of muskrat love to captain their way into classic flavor world, but it’s always worth the wait. Fortunately, they don’t take years to mature like Cubans.

The wrapper smells strongly of barnyard, peaches, and apricots. Very nice.
Out of the gate, stupendous start. The brilliance of the blend wastes no time. As rich as Dr. Rod’s plaintiffs in his will. Immediately complex…flavors are all over the place. To begin: dark chocolate, strong coffee, dried fruit, marsupial lip gloss, black pepper, and pudding if you eat yer meat.

Maduros are always sweeter. Like my readers. Sweet, sweet young boys. Don’t call the cops on me. I’m an ordained priest. The church will protect me.

The fruitiness is over the top. This doesn’t happen that often…in fact, very rarely. How do they do that? I tried growing fruit trees when we lived in Mesa. Didn’t work.

Creamy coffee is so potent that it wants to date my younger sister…like Butch did. I hated him for that. Into the mystic.

Spicy notes appear at an inch in. Tingly red pepper. My tongue is set afire with the lovely awareness of it’s alive, it’s alive! Strength is medium.

The No. 85 is nothing close to being a flavor bomb. It is a journey into sophistication. Newbies…great cigar to bring you into the fold. Old timers…you know what I’m talkin’ about. Until I can find a better set of adjectives, ‘rich’, ‘dense’, ‘multi-faceted’, and ‘smarmy’ will have to do. I like my soul black…like my women. Shirley.

Every man should go to a prostitute at least once in his life. It makes you realize how fucked up life can be.
Conjectures do me no harm.

Smoooth. Flavors whelp like new babies in the manger. The burn is nearly sacrificial in its punctuality. Sharpness is my 7th grade English teacher, Mrs. Broaddus. I accidentally ran into her huge boobs with my head. True dat. Translation: Really cool, dudes. I’m a digging this cigar.

Strength hits medium/full with a warning flag that a serious man approaches. Only 1-1/2” has surrendered to the void. I hear the call of the sweet spot. I mean holy shit this is a good cigar. Don’t you just wish that your third cigar of the day was as good as your first?

Peaches, dark chocolate, freshly ground coffee, black and red peppers, the slightest touch of honey, creamy, marzipan, black cherries, sourdough toast, a hint of mint, and a miniscule touch of citrus. Subtle flavors all. By the time we got to Woodstock.

Halfway home. Strength is heady but without any nicotine.

The sweet spot. Who doesn’t love a surprise? We know it’s coming…or do we. We wrap our palate around it and it clings like your wife’s bra to your favorite shirt.

The best part of the 60’s? Women didn’t wear bras. For them liberation. For us…an ocular good time. The secondary cigar band slips off easily.

The No. 85 is chooglin’. Not a cheap cigar. But everything on the market now is approaching this price range. Catalog brands see the trend and are jumping in with both feet. What they don’t know is that choices are easier as a result. Do you pay $25 for a Rocky or a Padron? Silly.

The cigar is going nuts on me. I call in Randle McMurphy. Nurse Ratched waits.
Thank you falettinme be mice elf…again.

Nic puros are becoming passé. I am so tired of seeing manufacturers flogging this blend. There is only so much you can do with this concoction. AJ is screaming in the streets trying to find another theme. Adding the Mexican wrapper doesn’t help. These backward-looking folks need to get on board the 2020’s. But then here is Padron. Doing it like no one else. Why is that? Ask a cigar professional.

No matter how many times I smoke a Padron, I’m always fooled by that sneaky cigar band underneath the main band. I can never get it off. At my age, this is the unfortunate mantra I live by. Boner meds help. But not while I’m smoking. We can work it out.

Stupendous cigar. A must have for your monolithic Tupperdor. Just don’t let this be the second or third cigar of the day. Save your crispy palate for the lessers in your collection.

RATING: 97

Categories: CIGAR REVIEWS