Ortega Wild Bunch Crazy Jack | Cigar Review

Wrapper: Nicaraguan Habano (Esteli)
Binder: Nicaraguan (Esteli)
Filler: Nicaraguan (Jalapa)
Size: 7 x 58 “Churchill Gordo”
Body: Full
Price: $9.00 by the box
1a

2a

A tear drop falls. A tree falls in the forest and no one hears it. A dog has a bowel movement on Eddie’s front lawn and he doesn’t see it. The Japanese take all their whaling boats home. Tacos are outlawed. Jews can’t marry Catholics (Uh-oh). Grown children are no longer allowed to move back in after they reach the age of 22.

In other words, all hell breaks loose. This is the 12th, and last, production of the Eddie Ortega Cigars Wild Bunch series: Crazy Jack. A cigar so big that inmates at Sing Sing cower in fear. A cigar so big that women are drawn to it.

And a smoking time that will require me use my self-designed sex machine that hangs me from the ceiling taking all the pressure off my back to finish this behemoth monster.

This cigar scares me. Really scares me. Will my mouth go numb? Will my penis go numb? Where is my penis, by the way? Will this be my first review to be 487 pages long? Oooh. I can hear you say, “Oh boy…lots of the Katman.”

This has to be a three hour cigar. My wife is gone. The kid is nowhere to be seen. And I crank some rockin’ blues on the stereo. I’m ready. Send me in Coach.

Some are calling this cigar Crazy Jack Psycho. It may be the cool underlying nick name but Ortega’s web site only calls it Crazy Jack and leaves the Psycho out. So if it is good enough for Mr. Ortega, that is what I shall call it as well.

It is a magnificent looking beast. Solid. No soft spots. Very few veins. A gorgeous Habano wrapper that is the color of what that dog did in the second sentence of this review. The triple cap is impeccable. The cigar is perfectly round. Not a mean feat for a cigar this big. The oil shimmers in the light. And as I rub my hand up and down the shaft; ignoring my latent homosexual tendencies, it is perfectly smooth.

I clip the cap and find aromas of chocolate fudge brownies; I mean serious fudge brownies….spice, sweet cedar, wood, and leather. With a tiny amount of honey.
Time to light up. I strap in.

I can barely get this thing in my mouth. It’s like being at the dentist getting a root canal.
3a

The first puffs are full of cocoa. And an immediate sweetness. It must take a bit before substantial flavors are emitted from the stick. The flavor of the tobacco itself is very meaty and loafie….as in all the other blends. The sweetness really pumps up the juice now. Red pepper slams into my palate like a downhill skier into an “Opposite Traffic Does Not Stop” sign.

Dang burn it. The cigar is becoming a flavor bomb at the half inch mark. Now I’ve seen everything. This one cigar has totally ruined my theory about big cigars v. flavor. My only resort is Japanese Seppuku. (Harry Carey in the old days) The oldsters should get that.
4a

Smoke pours from the foot like the house is afire. The sun should be hitting my dining room table soon and I love getting smoky shots. No big thing for reviewers with good cameras. But for me, a challenge. I have a Virgin Mobile phone that cost $11. The camera has -3 pixels.
5a

Flavors are going nuts. In descending order: Pepper, Cocoa, Sweetness, Creaminess, Cedar, Leather, Lemon zest, and dried fruit. A triumph.
The char line is wavy but needs no corrections yet.

Remember the movie, “Swordfish?” With John Travolta, Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman? There is a scene where Jackman is tested by Travolta to break a code while a chick gets under the table and verbalizes her desire. Jackman has something like 2 minutes to break this code while getting the best BJ of his life.

I thought that was a good idea so I hired someone to do the same for me to keep me focused on what could be a very long review. I didn’t have much money…and it turns out that the hair on this chick’s back is distracting. Good idea, though.

I took a chance on all of the last three sticks of the series by not letting them properly rest and was rewarded, big time, each time out. I cannot believe that a 7 x 58 cigar is pumping out a massive flavor profile after a week in my humidor.
6a

The other reviewers, like me, were probably scared to light this thing up too soon. So they are all waiting. Not the Kohn Bone.

I will take breaks between writing so this really doesn’t turn into the Gutenberg Bible.

The redwood tree needs a minor correction.

I am a couple inches in and the flavors are bold and delicious. The cocoa and sweetness vie for first place. The pepper is in second. And the creaminess is third. The other flavors are still there and doing just fine.
7a

The char line is doing great. The sun is out on this frigid (16°) Wisconsin day. It will warm up today, finally, to 37°. It will seem like a spring day.

I hear through the grapevine that Eddie may be planning something just as spectacular for 2014. Fingers crossed.

I begin the second third and while it hit flavor bomb status early on, it is even more so now. The strength started out as classic medium. But now it has moved up to medium/full. And I still have 4-1/2” to go. Oy vay. I’m getting a bit of a nicotine kick. I better eat something. Or I will be hallucinating shortly.
9a

This has all the traits of a Nicaraguan puro…and then some. I want more of these sticks. I want every damn stick in the series. But alas, I am a poor church mouse that buys cigars on sale.

The robust flavors make me grab for a Diet Coke. My egg cream experience is at hand.

I hit the halfway point and this may be the most flavorful blend of the Wild Bunch series.

Flavors in descending order: Creaminess, cocoa, creaminess, earthiness, caramel, citrus, dried fruit, cedar, and leather.

I have hit the 90 minute mark.
10a

The second half is the sweet spot. Spewing flavors like they are shot out of a cannon.

Eddie is a young man. I’m guessing in his early 40’s. I am drawing up adoption papers. Eddie, the only thing I need from you is proof that you are circumcised in the Jewish tradition.

The nicotine is beginning to really kick my ass. And the cigar hits full bodied.
11a

All the cigars in the series were produced in only 500 boxes. I’m astonished that they aren’t already gone yet.
The char line continues to be spot on.

I stop the process and grab a bowl of cereal. I recommend that you smoke this cigar on a full belly.

My blood sugar has normalized and the hallucinations have stopped. But still leaving me unstable, at best.
13a

More flavors join the group: The dried fruit splits into both raisins and Medjool dates. A toasty flavor climbs on board. The spiciness returns with extreme prejudice. There is also some vanilla and black licorice. And the caramel is supplanted by toffee.
I begin the last third.

It is here that the cigar flavor profile becomes very complex. The balance is perfect. The flavors are chewy with a very long finish.
Wally Guse, this is not the cigar for you. You would pass out by the second third.

This has to be the strongest cigar of the series. My theory is that it goes out with a big bang.

With 3” to go, the cigar becomes very intense. Flavors are placed into the revolving disco ball spitting out nuances and character on a whim. The earthiness of the tobacco becomes very strong. And is now leader of the pack.

The wrapper begins to unravel near the cap. I grab my Kingpin glue and all is well.
14a

The cigar finishes out smooth. Nothing harsh about it. And it remains cool as a cuke. The full body aspect gets even stronger; if that’s possible. Flavors return in force; as well as the spiciness. A flourish. The final burn time is close to three hours.

When these sticks become more widely available, I highly recommend you try this wonderful cigar.
Brava Eddie!
15a

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2 replies

  1. This is a big boy cigar and would probably kick my ass like a Root Canal…Personally I like a few veins…Little bumps in the road as it were…Nothing latent about this review my friend…No comment on the ” Swordfish ” thing !

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