Lost & Found Swollen Cock | Cigar Review

Wrapper: Corojo 2008
Binder: Corojo 2008
Filler: Corojo 2008
Size: 6 x 48/54/48 “Chubby Toro”
Body: Mild/Medium
Price: $12.00
Number of Cigars Smoked Prior to Review: 0
Accompanying Libation: Water

Lost-Found-Swollen-Cock

1

Today we take a look at the Lost & Found Swollen Cock.

BACKGROUND:
Let me say right off that I am amazed that anyone is buying this bullshit.

Lost & Found, once Bellatto, Caldwell & Sears, once Impromptu Cigars makes it known that these ridiculous sounding cartoon names all stem from the company owners scrounging through the warehouses of Central America and the U.S. with the purpose that they can find old cigars that never found a home. Oh wait…They refer to them as “Well Aged.”

And then Lost & Found spruces them up, gives them silly names, don’t bother to put a cigar band on them, and then package them like Tony the Tiger or Joe the Smoking Camel to attract the naïve smoker. “Rain Man” would say: “Ooh pretty.”

The web site states: “…uber-boutique collection of cigars.” And “The point of the project is simply complicated. It is basically to rummage around the aging rooms of legendary manufacturers and find those amazing blends that have been hibernating for just too long and to then re-release them to the market.”

Everything is cloaked in secrecy. Uber boutique collection. What does that mean? They find a stack of cigars long forgotten and that have never seen the light of day and call them boutique? Could it be that the cigars were seconds? Or deemed not good enough to sell under the manufacturer’s name? Maybe waiting to be sold under a different name in bundles that cost $30?

“Legendary manufacturers.” They don’t say who they are. Why not? They even admit that the manufacturer may not have determined them good enough to sell. Here they are with huge disclaimers and no one pays attention. It is all bait and switch and a house of cards and mirrors.
It also says: ““We invested a lot of time finding these lost cigars and projects which sometimes means that the customer has to try a bit harder to find them, but we think it is worth it.” Of course you do Mr. Bellatto. I see a room full of cigar industry folks at Lost & Found making blind calls to connections in the cigar biz asking if they have any cigars they have no use for? “What? You do? We will be right over. Will you take a check?”

On top of that, they probably bought these cigars for pennies on the dollar and then re-sold them for double digit dollars. Why? Cuz it’s cool, bro. Who doesn’t want to buy a cigar with the package showing one animal fucking another?
And the words: “Vintage 2012” are written on the package. How can a 2012 cigar be “Vintage?”

The truth seems to be that that Lost & Found is buying up the old Camacho blends from Davidoff that are no longer being packaged and sold. Look at the shape and color of the L & F cigars. Camacho.

I reviewed the Le Pigeon and found it to be severely lacking in quality. Granted, I have not smoked the ten dozen other blends but I don’t have to; I get the idea. Sell a $3.00 cigar for $12.00. And then you talk yourself into enjoying them. But really…you don’t. You just wish you do.

All packages are 10 count. And sold in limited quantities to keep the price high. This cigar consisted of only 230 packages of 10 cigars. Great way to make a quick buck. Make them hard to get and they disappear in a heartbeat.
I detest this practice. But let’s face it: Buyer Beware!

There are no real leaf stats. Just the type of leaf and I have my doubts that they even know what they are selling. They do own up to the origin of the cigar; which is Honduras.
And what the hell does “Earthy Citrus Cream Soap” mean? If I knew nothing about the brand, and someone offered me a cigar with this obscene name and a stupid description, I would say “No thanks. I think I will smoke a Pepin Garcia cigar instead.”
C’mon. Back Door Bambi? Buck 15 with a buck ass fucking a deer? Yum!

Now I know people in glass houses…etc…and I’m probably the most obscene and rudest reviewer out there. Period. But I make no money over my opinions. I take advantage of no one. I tell true rock n roll stories after most reviews and the God’s honest truth about cigars. Big Difference.
I noticed that most of the big guys have not reviewed the cigars in the Lost & Found line. There is a reason for that.

I’m going to look like a real ass if this cigar turns out to be fantastic. But without even trying the cigar I can tell you this: The price point turns me off completely. For $12, I can name dozens cigars that I know are incredible. Paul Stulac Cigars for one. Casa Fernandez cigars. Ezra Zion cigars. Moya-Ruiz cigars. Illusione. Padron. And some Viaje. The list goes on and on. I truly doubt that this cigar is in the same league of the aforementioned brands.

DESCRIPTION:
First of all, the deception of a fat chicken on the packaging is a joke. We get it.
The cigar’s light brown wrapper is nicely assembled. Tight seams. Few veins. A stunning shape. A perfect triple cap. There is a touch of oil on the wrapper and it is smooth as glass. How could a cigar this gorgeous be bad?
But the cigar is light in the hand. It is not densely packed and will probably smoke quickly.

AROMA AND COLD DRAW NOTES:
Aroma is on the light side. A bit of spice, cinnamon, nutmeg, and leather. Probably due to the cigars being in…”aging rooms of legendary manufacturers” for so long.

FIRST THIRD:
I want to thank a reader and a good friend, Kevin, for sending me a few cigars. Two of which I can review. This one, which Kevin says has more than enough humidor time for a review, and the Rolling Thunder .50 Cal. That last one will need some extra humi time. Thank you Kevin.

The cigar starts out with a bang. Plenty of red pepper and a warm bready note. There is a very nice generic sweetness on board. Plus, the cigar has a very smooth, pleasing character. No sharp corners. Something that usually comes from aging. (Haha)
2

Nuts and other elements like: toastiness, rich earthiness, and charry oak come to the surface.
It seems that at this point that my tirade was foolish and stupid. Or maybe not. The last half of the Lost & Found Swollen Cock will tell the story.
The char line is not behaving and must be spanked. Touching it up destroys about half an inch of wrapper but was about to make a canoe run for it.
I dry boxed the cigar for 24 hours prior to this review. That usually prevents runs unless that’s just how the cigar was built. But with only one sample, I need to be careful. A dud can occur in any good brand.

The strength is on the light side of medium body. Not much oomph.
The char line should be ashamed of itself.
So far, I am underwhelmed with this $12 stick.
I’ve burned a very lopsided 1”. This time, the char line needs a major tune up. I burn away over half an inch of wrapper to keep it from going completely canoe crazy on me.

Plus, it doesn’t have that “It” factor that one tastes from the very start of an excellent cigar.
The Lost & Found Swollen Cock tastes, at this time, like a $4 cigar. I would love to give it a rave review and eat my own words so you can call me an ass; but I must be truthful. And this cigar just ain’t doing it for me. A $12 stick should be booming by now and it ain’t. It reminds me of the Le Pigeon. A dud of the highest order.

Or even worse, it reminds me of the CI Reposado ‘96. Which in fact is a better cigar than the Lost & Found Swollen Cock. And $9.00 cheaper. They’re actually not bad cigars if you give them a whole lotta’ love by letting them rest for at least 6 months. They are blended by AJ.
The strength has not moved any more than mild/medium body with 1-1/4” burned.
The flavor profile is dull and bland now. The draw is very good. A clean smoke.

SECOND THIRD:
It only took about 12-14 minutes to smoke the first third. Not good.
I am getting annoyed and constantly finding the need to fight back the char line which is always out of whack. This is not the construction of a $12 cigar.
Shame on you Lost & Found.
3third

The last third might find its sea legs but a good $12 stick would find it on the first few puffs. The Stulac White Blinding Light or the Ezra Zion Collective hit the mark 10 seconds after lighting.
The Lost & Found Swollen Cock is a fucking dud. So not only is Lost & Should Stay Lost selling their cartoonish cigar packages to the PR prone public, but they are laughing all the way to the bank.

Remember. This is the first cigar of the day for me and it always stands out over and above the rest of the day’s cigars. In truth, it tastes like the last cigar of the day after my palate has gone crispy.
Like in old 1940’s horror movies, the smoking public should be storming the Lost & Found castle with lit torches demanding their money back.
Damn char line. This must be the fifth time. It’s bad enough that the cigar smokes quickly due to a lack of enough denseness, but I am burning chunks away half an inch at a time.

Finally..some movement. The advertised “Cream” makes a late debut. But I’ve yet to detect any citrus.
The spiciness which was on its way out during the end of the first third makes a curious come back in the form of black pepper.
And halle-fucking-leujah! The cigar makes its move to classic medium body.

It annoys me that in the Bellatto quote that he and his cohorts found this to be a “…fun project.” Yeah, fun for them because they knew the chowder heads, who drank the Kool Aid, would come a’ runnin’ when they saw the packaging and read the words” “Limited Edition.”
Psychologists would have a field day over this. There is something mysterious about “limited edition” cigars. They draw smokers to the flame like fleas to a feral cat.

HALFWAY POINT:
There have been no significant changes. The flavor profile has now gone flat on me.
Some flavors have just disappeared: Creaminess, nuts, toastiness, and even the earthy tobacco component.
All that is left is a potent dose of pepper and some bland flavors so obscure and diminished that I can’t describe them.
4half

I only found a couple reviews of this cigar. What does that tell you? No reviewer out there wants to write a negative review; or bite the hand that feeds them.
I cannot believe how dull this fucking cigar is. What a fucking rip off!
The Lost & Found Swollen Cock belongs in the same category as Victor Sinclair or Oliva Flor de Oliva cigars.
I would have put this cigar down a long time ago if not for the review.
To say this is a major disappointment is an understatement.
5

LAST THIRD:
I hope all the smokers that fell for this magnificent PR campaign of selling off subpar cigars with a brand new marketing scheme learn from this. Never trust anyone. Lost & Found has muddied the waters for the good boutique brands that work hard at their craft and produce really great product.
Citrus finally arrives. It is lemon zest. And with it, comes some creaminess. Very mild on both counts, mind you.
But, as predicted, the last third is about to become the lackluster sweet spot.

Earthiness returns. So does the nutty and toasty factors. For a blend that boasts nothing but Corojo leaves, I am left in a quandary about the zest and oomph of the cigar. Where is it? The Lost & Found Swollen Cock should be bustling like a hive of bees. Instead, it lies there like my first wife on our honeymoon.
6third

I’m now on my 7th char line touch up. Good going Lost & Found. Way to pick ‘em.
Well, Kevin, you wanted my opinion and you got one. LOL.

In the last inch or so, flavors pick up a bit. They taste like what a decent cigar tastes like in the first few puffs. You can sense the potential and look forward to what’s coming. Only in this case, those puffs are at the end of the cigar, not the beginning.
The Lost & Found Swollen Cock finishes at a weak medium body.
No heat. No harshness. No flavor.
7

PRICE POINT:
I can just see upper management in a conference room, with their accountant, trying to figure out just how much they can milk this cigar for every shekel they can. What will the public pay for a mediocre cigar? Ah ha! This is why all the Lost & Found blends are limited edition…If they were regular production; they would fizzle and die from word of mouth. Limited editions sell quickly and are forgotten quickly; especially when they are expensive, and then they are gone in the blink of an eye.

Of course, at some point, all smokers will start to realize that they’ve been taken for an expensive ride.
I would put this cigar in the $3 category. That’s what it is worth. Period.

SUMMATION:
What a joke. But you have to hand it to the folks at Lost & Found. They provide a disclaimer for you right on their web site. They tell you upfront that these are throwaways. Cigars no one wanted. So they bought them and charged an arm and a leg because we are stupid and will buy anything with a pretty package.

At this price point, I am amazed, and disgusted, that they wouldn’t spend a couple pennies for a cigar band to make the cigar look a little more legit. Now that’s cheapness at its highest echelon!

It’s not bad enough that they are milking every nickel out of the cigars to line their pockets but they won’t spend the dough on a cigar band or even a nice little box. I bought 10 Curivari Buenaventuras a few weeks ago. $4.00 a stick and in a nice box and each cigar had a cigar band. I guess the Curivari folks don’t have the same GREED gene that Bellatto, Caldwell, and Sears have. Plus the Buenaventura is an exceptional blend.
It bums me out.

This will be it for a while. I have a couple cigars for review but it will be a few weeks til they are ready. I hate having to end this period of my reviewing with a really negative review. I crossed my fingers that the Lost & Found Swollen Cock would be nothing like the dud Le Pigeon; but it was to no avail.
This is the ballsiest thing I’ve seen in the cigar industry and also the stupidest. Did Bellato and Co. expect they would keep their secret?
Real dumbasses. Don’t you dare buy another cigar from these people or this company again. You are being duped.
I will never, ever buy a single cigar from any of these folks. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust their integrity. Because they have none.
8

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13 replies

  1. Nice review! Haha!! Sorry about the burn issue and I suppose the flavor. I haven’t had that issue with the ones I smoked. If anything, the ash curved to the left! Thanks for reviewing it.

  2. Nicely summarized, it was funny to see the Facebook groups get all giddy over this slop. Like you, I will not patronize this manufacturer as they showed some real problems with ethics.

    • Thanks Ron for your comment.
      I too am amazed at the absolute blind followers of these crappy cigars that cost a fucking fortune.
      It is as if they are so enamored by two things: The name and cartoonish package, and 2) They are limited edition which causes a frenzy. Doesn’t matter what it is, just that they are hard to get.
      It is Walmart Black Friday mentality. People wait all night long to elbow and knee each other to get in their first to buy a Vietnamese $12 DVD player that Walmart is charging only $36 for.
      Only in this case, it is turned around. People are fighting tooth and nail to buy something expensive…that is worth 1/10 the cost.
      These people drank the Kool-Aid.

  3. Smoked one this afternoon and started reading your review on my final third. I had a slightly better experience with the burn line and didn’t have to touch it up at all. That being said, I agree with your review to the T. Very little explosive flavor to garner a $12 price tag. I traded a liga no. 9 for it. Wish I would held onto it now. Thanks for the review and a great read!

  4. They used the first release for the bait and then kept the same price point for mediocre aged cigars. Plant a couple shills in the marketing line and time to cash on the lemmings. I do like the Eastern Standard and other lines but I done when I finish them.

  5. I stopped in at a B&M the other night. Some of the customers were bitching about getting ripped off on these sticks. The old man behind the counter listened for a while. He finally looked up and said, “what the fuck did you expect? If they were worth anything, they wouldn’t have been left to rot. Somebody would have sold them to make back their money. Nobody goes into business to take a loss.”

    That summed up my thoughts exactly.

    • I was talking to several guys in a forum chat today. They all said they are going to miss your reviews. They want you to refocus on lower price cigars and keep building the $5 – $6 list. Other reviewers and industry folks might not like you, but a lot of smokers love your site.

      The love of everyday cigar fans is a huge badge of honor. Everybody I know rips into the majority of online reviewers. I’ve never heard a bad word about your reviews outside of the complaints on your blog. As my hip-hop loving friends say, “real recognizes real.”

      • How about some suggestions Mike? That would be a great help.
        Thanks

        • I like the Gran Habano Azteca Fuerte with about six weeks. The 5 Vegas Triple A gets some respect as a decent stick. I like the Padron Delicias I am still too new to be of much help.

          I’ve been eating off your plate. lol I follow your $5 list unless somebody gifts me something better or I get an unexpected influx of cash. At my purchase rate I should get a year or two out of your recommendations.

        • My whole point was, we love you regardless of what the industry guys think. We appreciate what you’ve done and we will miss the daily dose of wit, anger, emotion, and truth. I didn’t mean it to come across as a condemnation of the direction you’ve chosen.

  6. One of the few reviewers is not afraid to say it how he sees it. Most everyone who has something vested in their reviews (e..g your website, photos), would not have called out Crowned Heads, but you did–this was a while back. Need more people to keep these cigar Divas on their toes.

  7. Hmmm, I’ll be reading your reviews from now on. I always speculated that reviewers were only reviewing better sticks and avoiding bashing someone. I’ll admit, i found out about Lost and Found when Racks on Racks came out. So not too long ago. I was definitely intrigued.by their marketing and where they say they got the cigars. They almost had me but something didn’t fit. So i never pulled the trigger. I’m glad i didn’t . The more i think about this the more it seems like a scam. What top notch manufacturer of cigars is going to age a great cigar that is going to kill, and then not release it themselves? Further more, who is going to sell off that smash hit cigar that they decided to never release to another cigar company? I feel dumb for even considering them. But now you’ve left a bad taste in my mouth with Robert Caldwell. He has a hand in this, and i was really digging the long live the king and the king is dead. The Lost and Found business model is bugging me so bad i may not be buying Caldwell cigars anymore. They are damn expensive too. Caldwell has tainted Caldwell.