Covid Free! | No Cigar Reviews by the Katman

I am no longer infected with the CoronaVirus…yeah, baby.
I felt I was getting worse almost a week ago. I went to the ER on Sunday the 3rd.
My pneumonia is gone but they swabbed me again.
The results showed up today. I can now go out and spread my seed without worry of infecting anyone.
I felt 1000% better with just that notification.

No more cough or fever. Still feel lousy and very fatigued but I also feel better than 3 days ago.
The brain fog is lifting. I’m beginning to sleep all night.

I’m going to need a week to be sure but I think by then I will be ornery and inappropriate as I prefer to be.
I’m jonesing hard for a cigar but I will hold off so I don’t cough up a lung.

I can’t say enough about hospital employees. The most kind women I’ve ever met. If I were a rich man, I would shower them with geld.

We celebrated the good news tonight by ordering Chinese food…always a Jew’s first choice for the exotic.
I lost a metric ton in weight so it felt good to pig out.

I haven’t been up to being clever and witty and thankful (Have I ever?) in responding to emails and comments. I apologize. I had brain lock. Thank you to everyone.

I can’t wait to come back. My review cigars are certainly ready to go.
Stay well everyone and remember to always wear a reservoir tip condom when you go out in public.
And stop fucking bats!


59 replies

  1. So happy to hear the good news Phil! 100% recovery.
    Take care, stay well and stay safe.

  2. Glad you are getting better Phil!

  3. You ink stained wretch! Welcome back to the other side of reality!
    Look forward to you running a safety check on those taste buds.

  4. Me too, Arless…For a moment, I thought I’d have to give all my cigars to my son in law.

  5. You nailed it Steven…I am a wretch of the first order.
    If I had any taste would I be writing cigar reviews?

  6. Great to hear Phil, stay safe. Waiting to read your reviews.


  7. All the best life has to offer!

  8. Thanks Kirk…
    I plan on staying safe by wearing an Egyptian cotton burial shroud…just in case.
    As I’ve sustained major brain damage from this virus, I too, look forward to seeing how I write reviews…(I think it was from the virus.)

  9. I passed all the best life has to offer about 40 years ago but I’m maintaining…

  10. Relieved and gladdened you’re feeling better and tested negative! So welcome back.

  11. I’ve tested negative my whole life…how do you think I got this gig?

  12. To God be the glory. Great to hear brother…

  13. Older Phil,

    Awesome news! Glad to hear you’re doing better. Thanks for the condom tip. You putting it down in written form has made me reevaluate my past casual, ignorant relationships with bats.

    Younger Phil

  14. Youngster Phil,
    My son in law is a cop and I know all his comrades…and they all fuck bats.
    I’m glad I could provide an intervention for you. Cops should never fuck bats…that’s for firefighters.
    Old at Heart Phil

  15. Fantastic news you pischer! For you I’ll try to stop schtupping bats, but I ain’t making no promises. 🤪

  16. I’m glad to hear that the worst is over, Phil!

  17. Glad you’re back and chowing down again Katman. I’m blessed you have so many reviews in the archive and enjoying these emergency Isabelas.

  18. 😁

    On Wed, May 6, 2020, 18:26 Cigar Reviews by Phil ‘Katman’ Kohn wrote:

    > The Katman posted: ” I am no longer infected with the CoronaVirus…yeah, > baby. I felt I was getting worse almost a week ago. I went to the ER on > Sunday the 3rd. My pneumonia is gone but they swabbed me again. The results > showed up today. I can now go out and spread my” >

  19. Thanks Bryant…but the worst isn’t over yet…you will still get to read my first review…my apologies.

  20. For the longest time, Peter, I’ve worried about your bat schtupping obsession and tried to get you help…but your refusal to understand that unrequited love always leads to disappointment and tiny teeth marks is not good for your delicate psyche. Do you listen? No. At least switch to flying squirrels. A talking moose would be OK as well…

  21. Thank you Ryan…
    This is what I’ve been afraid of. My readership has doubled during the pandemic. All those reviews with me pissing and moaning were seeing the light of day again. Send me your address and a credit card number and I will send you a check for $7.00.
    I bought two boxes of the Isabela Survival Kits and have only been able to smoke one cigar before I got sick. So, I’ve only been able to cradle them lovingly in my right hand and sing soft Estonian lullabies to them.
    All the best,

  22. Hey Brad,
    Yes, I know I’m an idiot. I can’t help the way I write…I have an immune disorder that affects my sense of reason.
    Be well,

  23. I felt brave this morning and lit up a Herrera Esteli Norteno.
    Before I burned the first inch, it felt like I dropped acid.
    Holy shit.
    Damn you Covid-19!
    I’m going to need to build my tolerance as if I have never smoked a cigar in my life.
    Just swell…fucking swell.

  24. Glad to hear you are recovered and doing well. The downside of your message oh, now I want Chinese food. MOT love, man.

  25. Reason is overrated.

  26. I wasn’t sure if mentioning what the nurses and doc discussed with me in the hospital would be appropriate…but then that’s never stopped me before.
    Each one spoke about the overblown reaction to Covid-19.
    It wasn’t a group speak; but rather each one discussed this with me without anyone else in the room.
    Wisconsin has had 8,500 confirmed cases. A total of 353 deaths at this writing.
    Massive furloughs are in force for hospitals all over the state. Everyone is afraid of entering.
    I remember the place looking like a ghost town. No one in the hallways. Few patients.
    And these healthcare professionals are frustrated over so many of their co-workers out of a job.
    Wisconsin’s population is less than 6 million people.
    Milwaukee County has the largest concentration of people in the state…with less than a million people.
    Confirmed cases is 3600. Deaths are at 212. Statistically, that is 0.0036% of the population that are confirmed with Covid.
    And there are 18 major hospitals in Milwaukee County.
    I don’t want to become political about this because I just don’t want to go there.
    Yet we still have a safer at home order for the state until May 26.
    Yesterday, this decision was challenged in the Wisconsin Supreme Court. But no decision has been made by the jurists.

  27. Is this where we get to talk about how bad Isabella cigars are? Or do we have to wait till you’re dead? Asking for friend. I’m all behind boutique cigars..

  28. You lost me, son…
    I don’t know you so I can’t tell if you are being funny or making a point.
    Isabela cigars are great. One of the most consistently blended cigars on the market.
    And since I know Johnny Piette, I am aware how he puts his heart and soul into every blend. He works his ass off to provide a no bullshit catalog of cigars.
    He is not one of the many typical boutique brands that just hunts down farms in Central America and buys up what have already been rolled and looking for a place to call home.
    When I started reviewing cigars 11 years ago, the boutique industry was very small. I think the first big impression on me was made by Paul Stulac. I discovered his brand in 2012 and loved his blends. Now he has retreated to his home in Canada and sells locally. I guess it became too much of a headache to deal with the cigar industry in America.
    Except for the mainstay catalog brands, the boutique industry is ginormous and I can’t keep up with it…one reason is that they have all become ridiculously expensive.
    Tell your friend he has to wait a long time before I’m dead to get an answer to his question.

  29. Great history lesson teach! BTW, who is that dead head? (sorry for the pun).

  30. I’ve been a ICU nurse for fifteen years so I don’t spook easily. I must say though, I was truly concerned for you this time around. Take it easy man. Norteno right out of the gate? Anyway, don’t hurry back too fast. We aren’t going anywhere.

  31. Hi Darryl,
    Yeah, it was a bit reckless lighting up a cigar so soon…but I wanted to try a bit to see where I was in the food chain. Clearly, I’m still a nano molecule. I only smoked an inch and gave up and then bounced off the walls for 15 minutes. But it didn’t make me cough or cause any other problems.
    Each day, I feel better. I slept all night. Woke up feeling good. Most of the symptoms, except for fatigue, are nearly gone.
    I feel terrible for all those that have gotten sick. It’s not fun. But the statistics bear out that almost all that get it recover without hospitalization and just need to tough it out at home.
    Thanks for asking about me…stay safe kiddo…you’re on the front line.

  32. About those bats … we can still eat them raw … right?

  33. Nice Lakland. Needs one more string.

  34. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it was bats. Ecstatic you’re back—JR

  35. Fuck, yeah…OR…sauté them in Ozzy’s Frankincense cooking oil and then coat them in boar’s whiskers while listening to “Fairies Wear Boots.”

  36. I hear ya’.
    But I’ve been a 4 string player for 55 years. I’ve wanted to move to a 5 string but I was afraid I’d have acid flashbacks and think I was playing a 5 string ukulele.
    I do love the sound of that B string.
    Fortunately, my 1980 fretless Schecter has deepened in sound that even when I play on the 9th fret, it sounds like thunder. Nothing like a bass made entirely of Brazilian Rosewood…don’t need no stinkin’ fretboard.

  37. Thank you kind sir…
    I’m somewhere between ecstatic and orgasmic. Though…I’ve never tried Ecstasy and I’ve only had 4 orgasms since 1973. They did put an implant in my brain that simulates orgasms…but every time I have one, my right foot paws the ground.

  38. You struck the correct cord on the above comments! Is it even possible for a (3/4) century sax axe to keep up with you?! Probably not – but I’ll fun trying.

    BTW, is there any chance you’ll ever share the inside story you had with Cosell and Monday Night Football?
    I loved the shit Howard was constantly hit with by his other two broadcasting whores.

  39. Hey Steven,
    Right now, a retarded Naked Mole Rat could keep up with me and maybe even pass me by…
    Ahh, yes…Howard Cosell…what a crazy mother fucker…We were sitting at a booth at Canter’s when

  40. I get it – brain fart! Take a hit of——————————–oxygen! :)’)

  41. Muhammad Ali called the deli and asked to speak with Cosell…Cosell yelled, so everyone could hear him…”Tell that bum

  42. Yep. Time for another hit!

  43. “Roll another one,
    Just like the other one.
    You been holding onto it,
    And I sure would like a hit!
    Don’t bogart that joint my friend,
    Pass it over to me!
    Don’t bogart that joint my friend,
    Pass it over to me!”

  44. Trippin down memory lane my friend —– pass that B-40 you lit up!

  45. Today is the 75th anniversary of VE Day.
    My dad came home from Europe after being shot. He went to college on the G.I. Bill, met my mother, got married, and voila: ME

  46. First born “Boomer” myself! The ole’ man was a ball turret gunner on B-17’s – flew (27) missions. Two more than normal with 15th Army Air Force. Shot down (3) times. Spent (2) months on the ground in Italy carrying a rifle till they got him back to his unit.
    The crazy bastard stayed in after the war and made a career out it. Then proceeded to drag me around the world with him. Managed to meet my mother while on leave and was married (2) weeks later. I held out for (9) months before making the scene.

  47. I’m dancing with the devil. I just lit up an Isabela True-Cuban Sized Corona (5.5 x 42).
    No hallucinations but, damn…it is delicious.
    I will see how the weekend goes and I am crossing my fingers I’m ready to start smearing good people’s names on Monday.
    true cuban

  48. All the best Phil,

    Keep rocking and rolling 🍻

  49. I’m going to give it a shot, Andy…

  50. I am definitely planning on returning Monday, May 11.
    Here’s the thing…I can either pick a cigar I know I will like and I will fawn over it and say nice things…
    Or…I pick something I know sucks and rip into it like a monkey on a cupcake…thereby, venting my anger and frustration of being sick with Covid but couldn’t get a test at the start because I had no fever; I had every other damn symptom…but no fever.
    So, I got sicker until I had pneumonia and a collapsed lung before I got the test.
    Now, almost a month later, everything is changed and the data supports that people can become infected with the plague and not have a fever.
    I watched the news this morning and the governor of Brat & Cheese Curd Land said that they have all the tests they need to test everyone in the state. You don’t have to show symptoms…it’s free…just show up somewhere and get it. Fuck me.
    So, I have 48 hours to mull over which type of cigar I want to return with.

  51. I know you’re probably “bat crazy” by now.
    So how are those olfactory lobes doing? If not well, go with the tastless piece of shit labled cigar.

  52. Glad to hear your past the worst of it.

    Get well & Stay well

    All the best,
    Mark Mace

  53. Thank you, Mark.
    I feel pretty good and rarin’ to go.
    Hope you and your family are well.

  54. glad you’re on the up and up Phil

  55. Adrian…that’s the best straight line anyone has ever given me…
    First, thank you for the kind intent…
    Second, if I were on the up and up, I’d write for the ASPCA.
    Third, writing about cigars will do…I only like pets done medium well.
    Thanks and be well,

  56. Reminds me of the first, and thankfully last time a had “mans best friend” for dinner in Nam.
    The Vietnamese have special restaurants (I use the term loosely) where they prepare, dog to be served as a meal to increase a mans virility. You do the cooking – fondue style where the meat is fried in hot oil at the table and dipped in blood. I kept waiting for the “boner” but no luck. I think I’ll stick with the oysters.

    I fully expected to return Home with a major case of Hepatitis C., but they let me back in the Country.

    There was background music provided with the meal – howling dogs waiting their faith.


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