• Wrapper: Cuban
• Binder: Cuban
• Filler: Cuban
• Size: 4.75 x 54
• Strength: Medium
• Price: $15.67 (Cigars of Habanos)

BACKGROUND:

Box Date: April 2018

Never much to report on a Cuban cigar’s pedigree, but I found this little ditty on Cigar Lover’s Magazine:

“Officially launched in 2016, the H. Upmann Magnum 54 reached the retailers only in 2017. The real marketing for the cigar didn’t start until 2018, when these cigars became readily available.

“Magnum 54 is one of the latest news at H. Upmann, fully embracing today’s demand for large ring gauges with a short size. As already happened also for its predecessors, the 54 presents two bands, a classic H. Upmann band and a second that shows the name of the cigar.

“Aesthetically, the cigars are dressed in a Colorado shaded wrapper, that is oily and silky to the touch. Some gaps in the filling are noticeable.

APPEARANCE:

I measure it and it is 4-1/2” not 4-3/4” as described. I find this happens a lot with Cubans. Why? Fuck if I know…the metric system?

It is a rough looking tree branch with lots of aberrations going from big ass veins to seams that haven’t seen tight since the day they were rolled. It is a heavy stick and hard as a rock. No give whatsoever.

The wrapper has some sheen on it brought out by photographic light. The color is that of everyday honey. A golden sunset on the shores of Albania at 2am.

SMELL THE GLOVE:

Hardly any aroma at all. If I penetrate the cigar with my pointy nose, I detect bits of caramel, nutmeg, milk chocolate, creaminess, malt, cedar, barnyard, and cinnamon.

The draw is impenetrable. Not a lick of air. Out comes my trusty PerfecDraw draw adjustment tool and I go to work. A plug near the cigar band is dispatched with easily. But there is a plug the size of my goiter in the middle of the cigar that fights me. I don’t want to force it and watch the tip of the PerfecDraw play hide and seek emerging from the wrapper near the foot. I glide it in like I do with my strap on. I must use the entire length of my draw tool to clear the garbage. One of the things I see consistently with Cubans. Why? Fuck if I know…the metric system?

The cold draw presents flavors of bitter black pepper, creaminess, barnyard, nuts, espresso, milk chocolate, cedar, and cinnamon.

FIRST THIRD:

I only have this one cigar. My dear concubine, Kellie, sent it to me…so I’m going in blind. Its true. I have groupies and concubines all over the country. I get dick pics all the time.

The draw is still tight. So, through the magic of Rod Kurthy, I slam my draw tool home once more until I get the perfect resistance for my needs and preference.

Cigar Aficionado reviewed this cigar at least 3 times. Ratings went from 87-90.

It starts off nicely with creamy chocolate and espresso. The black pepper has run for coverage as the bitterness is gone and now the spiciness lay quietly in the background. A good-sized dollop of complexity jumps right in. But too early for significant transitions or finish.

Citrus pops up but I can’t discern the root source of either lemon or lime. Flavors are all even keeled and pleasant. Like me begging for Fingerhut not to close my account. I need that $3200 dry popcorn maker.

I haven’t been able to review all week due to the fucking freeze. Never got above Zero. But today my dears, it is a balmy 23 degrees. The windows fly open and the cat runs underneath the bed.

Strength is just shy of medium.

A touch of licorice enters. Caramel returns to boost the creaminess. Maltiness gives the profile a nice kick in the arse.

There is a sweet nutty sensation…raw cashews maybe…salted almonds…hazelnut…fried Alpo.

Nice cigar. Expensive too. It better be a nice cigar. Transitions are mostly made of creaminess, cinnamon, and lemon sponge cake. In tiny moments, the cinnamon is joined by nutmeg and clove. I got a pumpkin pie brewing.

It reminds me a bit of a Casdagli blend. That Hendrik Kelner thing. Very smooth and complexity on the rise.

Strength is a solid medium now.

I saw on FB that Bryan Glynn seems to have gotten in a serious car accident. Some other guy’s fault. Naturally, Glynn records his agony with his cell phone. Regardless, I wish him well and hope he is OK. I hope he gets a gazillion bucks using the law firm of Hupy & Abraham.

As I near the first third, I see this as a 90 rated stick. Still 3” to go. (This what I used to say to chicks I dated when they asked, “Is it in yet?”)

The ash is like Mount Rushmore.

This is the perfect morning cigar. Flavors aren’t bold…but they are nicely balanced and come through with definition. Behold, the cigar has some character.

SECOND THIRD:

Morphing begins with a shot of intense complexity. Rich and succulent. Since Cuban cigars don’t go in for the big payoff to get decent ratings from Cigar Aficionado, I’m not sure what the magazine’s intent is. I’m so wary of anything they review, that I never know what to believe. I do believe the blend is better than an 87. But then, they review these cigars only 6 months or less after receipt. Everyone knows by now that Cubans need lots and lots of humi time. I know folks who have 20–25-year Cubans cooking in their humidors. Judging a Cuban after only 6 months wipes the validity of the review right off the chalkboard.

The sweetness v. savory quotient is a little heavy on the sweet side. The savory points rest on simple things like fresh bread, nuts, and cedar.

The burn is exemplary. No stinkin’ touch ups required.

Creamy chocolate rears its tush and waves it at my palate. A grouping of indistinct flavors arrives. Pleasant but hard to pin down. Maybe later they will emerge from the phone booth wearing red spandex.

Cinnamon gets down and funky. Espresso makes its mark. This is a lovely stick but at almost $16, I can name dozens of cigars I’d buy before I bought this one. Thankfully, Kellie is extremely wealthy and can afford Cubans, caviar, and canapés.

Out of nowhere, I get pancakes and maple syrup. This is a nice surprise. I also have not eaten today so…the part of my brain, the Gonadius Flatulencia, that determines flavor is working overtime.

The burn becomes wonky.

Clearly, the bulk of the tobacco stuffing was in the first half of the cigar…as it burned very slowly. Now, as I pass the halfway point, it is burning faster. I find construction on most Cubans is less than stellar.

LAST THIRD:

Without notice, the cigar smokes harshly. What happened? Am I now burning the cesium placed in the cigar by the communists?

Flavors: Creamy, dark cocoa, malt, cedar, nuts, black pepper, licorice, cinnamon, lemon peel, espresso, maple syrup, nutmeg, clove, licorice, and caramel. Nice to get the family together.

Strength remains at medium.

And the cigar goes out.

The complexity is at its zenith. The harshness disappears completely. No bitterness.

The cigar is 3 years old. Maybe another couple years will really boost the impact.

Joe Cocker. “With A Little Help From My Friends.” Fucking brilliant.

Transitions kicked in about 15 minutes ago and is now a traveling carnival show. The finish is full of cream, lemon oil, spiciness, cinnamon, and cedar.

The thing about buying Cubans has a couple issues for most smokers. The first is the price. The second issue is patience. You must put them away forever and forget about them. Very hard to do unless you have Kellie’s dough. But the same thing can be said about some reviewers of Cubans. Smoking them too early is a pandemic.

Get my 2^nd vampire vaccination next week. Once that’s accomplished, I feel unrestrained from going to the market and rubbing my face on all the tomatoes. Plus, I don’t wear the typical mask. I wear a tactical unit full head covering. Always gets me to the front of the line at the market. In Wisconsin, you can only carry openly if you possess a carry license. So, the terrorist head covering, and an exposed Glock makes cashier lines part like the Red Sea.

Strength is now medium/full. Plenty of black pepper. Too much spiciness that wipes out the nuances of the blend. Damn. It’s making my eyes water. Sex does the same thing…except, it emanates from me crying because Charlotte barks orders on what she wants me to do. That German accent scares the shit out of me. I always bring my blankey with me to the sex chamber.

The cigar really shines now. It is kick ass. It went from an easy-going blend to the O.K. Corral.

Some minor harshness returns but doesn’t fuck everything up.

“Respect” by Aretha. Every band I’ve played in did covers of her tunes. Always had a big smile while playing those songs. I was born a poor black child.

The finish is now full Indian. I’m smacking my lips like a hungry dog. It does not relent and puts a special finish on the blend. So toothy.

There were ups and downs with this cigar. Overall, it was a fine smoke. Just not worth the dough. Still, it was a real treat.

Harshness disappears and now I decide to nub this baby.

Thank you, Kellie. This was fun. I will drop by around 4pm. I don’t need condoms because at my age, spooge is a plunk of dust.

RATING: 91

And now for something really, really different:

It seems I’m being stalked. Started this week.

A woman who thinks she is Stewart Copeland’s musical partner and confidant found all my Curved Air stories.

She wrote 13 emails to me in a 24-hour cycle.

I only responded to her first email. After that, I realized she was unbalanced.

I am not going to call her out as I don’t need that. In fact, she will probably read this, which makes writing about it a huge mistake on my part.

This is my only reply to her:

“First, I have no idea what you want from me.

Second, you bombarded me with a bunch of statements and questions about things that happened 45 years ago.

You don’t introduce yourself.

You seem entitled in the fashion that somehow I owe you something by responding to your manifesto emails.

If you want info from me, you need to explain yourself.

I get a lot of emails and blog comments every day.

And I generally don’t feel obligated to divulge my life story to anyone that pokes their nose in.

I have no idea if you are legit. Are you writing something about the Police? You never asked if you could use my material, covered by federal copyright law.

I look forward to your response.

Phil Kohn”

This was the first of many, many emails back from her:

“Woah!!! Hold on a minute.  I had nothing but good feelings about

your site, and your content.  I thought you were a friend of

Stewart Copeland, and you share some interesting stories.

I have gone through something similar with being plagiarized

or discredited.  Please drop the PTSD and learn how to

tell the difference between a friend and an enemy.

I hope this helps to reassure you.

Your material is in the public domain.

What exactly is your problem with me

sharing your website that you have made public.

What did you expect people to do, just ignore it?

I’m not your enemy.

My iPad was all buggy and didn’t transfer my notes accurately.

But the second time was it corrected.

My innocent human error was what got you all paranoid?

I was afraid of that, but it’s not my fault.

Because Stewart had a shortened link that

I accidentally clicked on and there was a

facebook click ID malware link attached to bit.ly

So my ipad notes weren’t working that day.

And it probably looked scarier and insane

before I was able to fix it.

I’m sorry!

Please do not be alarmed.

I consider that you are an angel

For trying to get the truth out there.

You are not in trouble.

I am a community liaison.

You are more revered than despised.

Please accept my humble apology

for not kissing your ass promptly

Yours truly,

(Name redacted)

I’ve felt that way before too.

Not sure who to trust.

Relax. You’re okay.

Don’t react knee-jerk

before you know my intentions.

If you had bothered to read my post

You wouldn’t be assuming so much

and lashing out at me.

Or, would you rather I say “fuck you”?

For taking offense to your public website?

Being shared?

Don’t put things on the internet

if you are going to be an asshole

then I see why Curved Air kicked you out.

Please do not try to intimidate me.

I will forward this to Stewart. I am a clairvoyant.

The Police are being interrogated about their management

And I am a community liaison to seek truth about the bandmates

Human struggles. Thank you for your hard work and documentation.”

And it gets worse. I chose to not exceed my first response to her. It would never end.

I contacted Copeland’s manager in London. He got back to me in less than 24 hours.

This is his response:

“Hi Phillip

“I’m so sorry to hear you’re having problems with this individual. It seems like it may be the same woman who has been in touch with Stewart previously.

“Unfortunately there is very little one can do to prevent this type of harassment – as we found out when she was bothering Stewart that blocking her simply meant that she just continued her correspondence from a new profile.

“Stewart recently employed a private detective named (Name redacted), on copy here, to warn this woman against further contact. If we have reason to get in touch with her again we will be sure to warn her against harassing you as well.

“This woman’s behaviour towards Stewart was indicative of someone with serious mental health issues but only ever extended to abusive emails/social media posts. I do hope that if you continue to ignore her emails she will realise she is shouting into an empty room and give up!

All the best”

I guess I will sit back and cross my fingers that this doesn’t escalate. If I never write again, you will know what happened.

Categories: CIGAR REVIEWS