Wrapper: Nicaraguan Habano
Binder: Nicaraguan
Filler: Nicaraguan
Size: 6 X 52 Toro
Strength: Medium
Price: $9.70

BACKGROUND:
I found nothing. Not even on the Caldwell Cigar website.
After extensive research, I did find this version of its background…

Robert Caldwell has a third cousin who was a big influence on this blend. His name is Bunton Porterville.

Bunton has been in an induced coma since September 12, 1970. He had been a victim of a mugging in his hometown of Bluff, Alaska. Two large men approached him and demanded his wallet. Bunton refused and told the men he had a yellow belt in the North Korean martial arts discipline called Hanglow.

Bunton got into position to defend himself. He dropped his drawers and began to yank on his foreskin. (This gets adrenaline pumping) The muggers were so disgusted that they merely walked away. Bunton tried to make his getaway but forgot to pull his pants up and fell flat on the sidewalk, hitting his head on someone’s pet tortoise.

Doctors were not hopeful of Bunton ever being able to yank anything that protruded from his body. Bunton was given a variety of tests and the only thing they could determine was that his brain would never function correctly again. A friendly nurse did Bunton a solid and performed a circumcision while Bunton was in the coma.

At that very moment, Bunton opened one eye and screamed “Bluff Nicaragua!”

Years later, word got back to Mr. Caldwell of that incident, and it was this year that Robert decided to dedicate the new blend to Bunton.

Bunton did come out of his coma, partially, in 2020. But he couldn’t move or smoke a cigar. He redirected his frustration into something positive. He had always wanted to finish high school and the nurses helped him get his GED. Upon a successful completion of his test, he applied and was granted a law student grant at Harvard.

Within months, he had passed the bar. Moments after he was sworn in by the state of Alaska as a bona fide attorney, he fell back into a coma.

Though unconscious, he found work as a lobbyist in the Alaskan State Senate. From his hospital bed, he pushed through 8 bills on the legalization of using tortoises as concealed carry weapons.
We dedicate this review to Bunton Porterville, Esq.

SIZES AND PRICING:
Robusto 5 x 50 $8.70
Toro 6 x 52 $9.70
Magnum 6 x 60 $10.70

APPEARANCE:
What I like most about this cigar is the heaviness in the hand…two birds in the bush so to speak. A lovely resistance as I squeeze the stick up and down its shaft. No hard or soft spots. As far as its giddy looks, not a bad tobacco log to gaze upon…An unassuming mocha java wrapper that seems much oilier at the cap end of the cigar than the bottom half. It is a leaf…whaddya want? The entire stick has a slight touch of toothiness…the cat’s tongue manifesto. Seams are tight. Veinage isn’t distracting. The double cap is a bit slapdash but no reason to run wild in the streets. A simple attractive cigar band. No skulls.

SMELL THE GLOVE:
Impressive aromas smack me around like a sado-masochistic John. Big fat floral notes that are bent by notes of sweet caramel, malt, dark chocolate, espresso, raisins, licorice, almonds, cedar, barnyard, and licorice with some spices named cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg.

This is pretty much what every Nic puro smells like.

The cold draw presents flavors of barnyard, black pepper, cedar, espresso, licorice, and a touch of black walnuts. Not so flavorful as its aroma status.

No need for my PerfecDraw draw adjustment tool today…so I gingerly place it in its new hyperbaric chamber that I bought gently used. Smells a little like chimp but it does have a nice sound system.

FIRST THIRD:
It starts out like any Nic puro you’ve ever smoked. Nothing special. Of course, I am tainted after reviewing the Sin Compromiso Paladin de Saka yesterday. That was eventful. So today, I thought I’d go the other way…

While I found nothing valuable about the cigar’s heritage or goals, I assume it is a regular production blend. Otherwise, I would have seen something about limited edition. I did find a couple online cigar shops out of stock…but also others selling the sticks at full MSRP that still have plenty on hand. The ones that sold out were a buck or so cheaper.

A very nice creaminess shows up. It wasn’t present in the aroma test or sucking hard on a tobacco straw test.

And some complexity kicks in. It is actually a nice sign that the cigar is a decent purchase. And as I’ve said way too many times, Pandora is playing a perfect set list while I write. Always a good omen. Steely Dan and then Gov’t Mule. What can go wrong?

And now Clapton’s “She’s Waiting.” We are on a train to Clarksville.

It’s early but the char line gets wonky. I shall keep all three eyes on it.

Flavors are the typical Nic steady as she goes by the book, or rather, the Cliff Notes.

So far, this is not an earth-shattering experience for my palate. It’s OK. But when you charge a sawbuck for a cigar, you have enormous competition for that dough. There are some great cigar manufacturers that keep it real and knock a blend out of the park for that $10. Others should have been a $6 Torano.

Flavors are slow to be exhibited. Graham cracker, black pepper, cinnamon, tiny fruity bits (Charlotte uses that phrase on me too much).

I will tell you what I do taste…a cigar without any special tobacco, a cigar that received only the minimum of aging, and a cigar that got its 6 weeks of finish rolled cigar aging and then shoved into its cello condom. Now it’s up to you to let the cigar sleep for 9 months before there is any chance it becomes a really good cigar.

Maybe that is why there ain’t no decent press about this cigar.

Zero complexity after an inch burned. Zero transitions. The finish is mostly black pepper. If there are nuanced flavor tidbits, the spiciness wipes them out and sends them to a Jersey landfill.

I think the released the cigar without fanfare and expected their faithful customer base to buy it on good faith. Great way to make dough…on the backs of your loyal fans.

Joe Cocker and “The Letter.” Damn, I loved that guy. His music is classic and never crosses the line of being outdated or cliché.

The horns are blasting away and I’m doing the hokey pokey in my office chair. The head is bopping in time. And my appendages just lay there like a flounder. ( I gotta stop bringing up Charlotte quotes). “My baby wrote me a letter” Over and over til the neighbors complain.

Strength is a solid medium.

So, if the music is good and this cigar is just OK, have I lost my mojo?

I detect some sophistication, but it is minimalist in its approach.

Oh no! “Dixie Chicken” by Little Feat! Back in the day, your club band had to have at least half a dozen Little Feat tunes if you wanted to be popular. Knowing a few Robert Palmer tunes didn’t hurt either.

What is this? A hint of complexity. I have had these sticks for a few months…not long enough to review. I am simply running on empty trying to detect the blender’s intent.
I am getting protruding elements of graham cracker, cinnamon, tons of black pepper, chocolate covered raisins, almond paste, creaminess, and a touch of lemon peel.

SECOND THIRD:
I’ve been deceived. The heftiness was a ruse. I got through the first third in 20 minutes. For a Toro, not a good sign.

The char line fixes itself and looks damn purty.

My prediction is that the second half will tell the story.

I did smoke one a month ago and it was white trash. At least this shows progress of its hibernation technique.
Strength remains at a solid medium.

S’mores. The spiciness relents long enough so I can taste chocolate, creaminess, and graham cracker. This is good.

I run the signal flags up the pole as I detect faux complexity trying to get its feet out of the mud.

Individual flavors are growing but at a glacier’s pace. Months and months of humi time required.

I straddle the razor blade’s edge wondering, if left on its own recognizance, the cigar might grow into something smokeable. For $10, it should take a little pride in itself.
I use the Southern Draw and Isabela Cigar analogy. For years and years, their blends were in the $10 range and masterpieces all.
This cigar is more of a masterbator than a masterpiece. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Do I detect improvement? Or is it a fleeting enema?

Yes, I do. Complexity seems to be seeking out friendly shores.

The black pepper calms itself by eating loads of cheese. Moe. Larry.

The burn gets wonky. This cigar is wonky.

I didn’t come into this review with high hopes. My first thought was that I’d be taking a bullet for my readers.
There is no consistency in the blend. It meanders all over the bathroom wall seeking sanctuary.
Torch to foot. I gave in.

This is an ordinary cigar. If I had blind taste tested the cigar, I couldn’t tell you anything other than I’ve been here a million times. No surprises. No gallantry. No putting the toilet seat down.

Thankfully, it burns too quickly. Takes the heat off me from enduring a stick that just keeps growing back until I lop off its head.

Balance is no where to be seen. Transitions are non-existent. The finish is all spice.
So, I’m having a good time…how you doin’?

While I seem to be merely experiencing a blender’s intent, I’ve done this long enough to recognize certain important elements of its far-off future. The village people will come for this cigar with torches in hand and run the stick off on a rail. Tarred and feathered.

The halfway point. 30 minutes. If I had to endure 90 minutes or longer of this cigar, there would be hell to pay. Instead of a review, I’d post photos of me naked with my favorite barnyard animals.

No significant changes. The cigar is not on a mission from God.
Linear. Plain and simple.

I paid $8.25 for the stick from Atlantic Cigar.
10 years ago, $8 would have gotten you a fine cigar.

The burn is lousy. But at least the construction is intact as I sit with windows open and frigid weather seeping in.

The clock is ticking. Only 22 days left in 2021. I need to be more careful with the cigars I choose to review. I do believe my humidors have some new cigars with the potential of making the end of year list.
I fucked up.

I wish I could report nice things about the Bluff. Caldwell is one of those manufacturers that is highly inconsistent with its releases. Therefore, I try to avoid reviewing Caldwells.

LAST THIRD:
I’m skipping ahead to the last vestiges of this tobacco log.
One trick pony.
The flavor profile is a jumbled mix of non sequiturs.
Strength remains at medium.
Bitterness enters. So does harshness.

Any of the previous Blind Man’s Bluff blends are better than this tampon.

I could sit at my laptop and torture myself, but Charlotte weaned me off this sort of thing.
There is nothing interesting about this blend.

I stare at the cigar and all I can think about is the pool scene in ”Caddyshack.”
So good folks, I am signing off so I can rinse my mouth with toilet bowl cleaner.
Have a swell day.

RATING: 75

Categories: CIGAR REVIEWS