Montecristo Volume 2: The Rendezvous | Cigar Reviews by the Katman

Wrapper: Ecuadorian Habano Seed 2000
Binder: Broadleaf
Filler: Honduran
Size: 6 x 50 Toro
Strength: Medium
Price: $16.10 (Can be had for $2-$3 less online)

Cigars were gifted to me by a good friend. The cigars have 5 weeks humidor time.
The P.R., across the cigar industry universe, was published in January 2022.
I found not a single review nor any info on its release date. I’m confused.
Hope it’s not a dud.
And yes, I am publishing a review on the NFL championships day. No one will read this.
Go 49ers!!

Made for Santa Clara Inc:
“Marking the second installment of blends that pay homage to the novel The Count of Monte Cristo by famous writer Alexandre Dumas, Montecristo Volume II: The Rendezvous cigars are sure to be a hit with customers that enjoy premium handmade smokes with decadently good and balanced flavors. Like Volume 1 which was named after the “100 Days” chapter of the novel, Volume 2 is named after “The Rendezvous” chapter where the titular character is introduced to the luxury and opulence of Parisian high society. Drawing inspiration from this chapter, the Grupo de Maestros of Altadis USA came up with a blend of extensively aged Honduran long fillers embraced by a hearty Broadleaf binder and completed with a top-shelf Ecuadorian Habano 2000 wrapper. Your shoppers will indulge in a rich and complex medium-bodied smoke that encapsulates notes of white pepper, chocolate, leather, spice, and earth. Rolled at the Flor de Copan cigar factory in Honduras with top-notch construction into three popular vitolas and packaged in boxes of 10 that resemble hard-cover books, your customers will be lining up to get a box for their humidors.”

My nasal theoretics seem to be in full on physics mode this morning as I sniff around the tobacco snausage and get large doses of dark chocolate, roses and lavender, cinnamon graham crackers, espresso, black licorice, malt, and ferret avocado on toast.

The draw is a little too wide open for my tastes which I should have realized as this cigar has the same weight and heft as a vegan hot dog. My PerfecDraw draw adjustment tool slinks off in shame thinking it is not loved. Pathetic.

So, if it’s a dud, it will be quick. If it is brilliant, I will want more. That last sentence was the entirety of my master’s thesis in college.

I was gifted the cigars by the owner of an online store but aren’t available in his domain. In fact, I found the strangest places that this cigar is for sale. I’m not plugging any store unless they fill my pockets with shekels. Google it if this cigar is interesting to you.
The start is nothing special but contains creeping increments of malt, earth, and leather with a twist of lemon peel, light cinnamon, additional baking spices that are a mish mosh, plus the realization that this is a savory heavy blend. Sweet notes have not disrobed and exposed themselves yet.

I wouldn’t call it complexity, but I would say that the stick shows some fine character at this early stage.

This cigar is the perfect example of a semi-expensive stick that is dunced by my previous reviews of very price friendly cigars such as the Caldwell Pacific Standard, Free Will by Cigar Page, and the new Sancho Panza Extra Fuerte…all in the $5-$6 price ranges. They came out of the gate swinging.
This cigar comes out of the pig pen limping.

Unless a miracle occurs in the second half, I can tell that this hyped-up blend is nothing more than a shadow of better blending.
Strength is mild.

The leaf stats would have you think that this would be a very interesting smoke. It begins like a blunderbuss with a jam.

The lemon peel moves to the front of the line…but there is no counterpoint of sweetness to trim the edges of the tartness.

I am not a fan of the non-Cuban Montecristo brand. Their cigars seem to be stuck in Gurkha territory. Once in a while, they come up with something good, but it is always a limited edition that disappears quickly. The Montecristo falls into the category of an ordinary cigar catalog blend that suckers in newbies.

I now know why I can’t find any reviews. Or any info on its release despite getting a bunch of P.R. a year ago.

Maybe it will grow another penis and surprise me.

The construction must be good as the char line is exemplary.

I’ve smoked 1-1/2” in 14 minutes. Using my 1977 Casio calculator (It’s a pain because you must use a generator to start it), my math says this Toro will be less than an hour’s smoke. Pitiful.

I read that the blend, in the same line, had 10 years of aging on the tobacco. I truly doubt that the boneheads at Montecristo washed, rinsed, and repeated.

It is an OK cigar that matches all those $100 bundle cigars with no names. Like Clint Eastwood.

I’ve found that since my stroke, I have difficulty getting a boner. I use the tried and true method of dipping my schlong in schmaltz (chicken fat) and letting it rest for an hour. Didn’t help…but I got Sammy the Cat’s attention.

Strength is still mild at 2” into this thrilling adventure…20 minutes burned…so, at least it is on schedule like Germany’s trains.

Linear. No sweetness. The description claims flavors of white pepper, chocolate, leather, spice, and earth. Basically, between the lines, the blend is claiming it tastes like a Hershey bar you dropped into a cow patty and then ate it anyways.

Ooh…acid flashback. I was a teen. My dad took me to some distant cousin’s dairy farm in Orange County, CA. An older man who took us on a tour. He coaxed me into letting a docile cow lick my hand and as my hand retreated it was covered in goop akin to cleaning an adult theater in NYC. The good part…as we were walking, the cousin sneezed, and his dentures flew out of his mouth into a mound of cow shit. He picked them up, rubbed them on his filthy jeans, and popped them back into his mouth. I held back my dry heaves.

All it took was typing that last paragraph and the cigar goes out. Lovely.

You ever put on your oversized muck boots and led one of your sheep to a cliff…and then proceed to put the back legs of the sheep into your boots…open your fly and give the sheep a nudge towards the edge causing the sheep to move backwards so its vagina is in perfect position for a few minutes of bestiality? Me neither. Well, I was still going through puberty.

I don’t taste the advertised chocolate. I taste a generic sweetness similar to brown sugar. It might be white pepper giving the cigar a little oomph, but it is listless in its cry for help.

Cinnamon buns finally shows some talent in giving this tasteless cigar something to grab on to…like that floating door that Leonardo DiCaprio wasn’t allowed on.

The halfway point arrives at 30 minutes.
Strength finally hits medium.

No transitions. But the finish improves with flavors of a better-balanced stick.

Amazingly, the char line remains at parade rest.

It won’t matter how long you allow this cigar to rest in your humidor. This blend is D.O.A.
And why do I continue to smoke it? It’s not unpleasant. That’s the best compliment I can muster.

Flavors that were missing in the first half appear out of the mist: Gorilla feces, Dian Fossey’s panties, and masticated bamboo shoots. Finally.

My friend, that was so generous by giving me these cigars, must not have smoked one before passing them off to me. It happens.

I have a loosened wrapper flapping in the breeze. I use Dr. Rod’s PerfecRepair cigar glue to put it in its place. Works every time. This stuff is worth its weight in crypto currency.

I get the feeling that the cigar is dying to rid itself of its leg irons and expand its flavor profile; but, it doesn’t have the heart or speed to make a run for freedom.

I can’t fucking believe that this terrible blend is a $16 stick. Ha. The balls on those Montecristo folks. Purposely pulling a fast one on its customer base. Shame on you.

The ruse of making a cigar expensive hoping that cigar lovers will think it might be special is despicable.

If you like bland cigars without complexity, nuances, and character, this is your baby.

2” to go and I’m throwing in the towel.
What a dud.

I bet Santa Clara is going to come at me and force me to take down their verbiage that describes this cigar.

P.S. Lingering ding bat brain and confusion are long term after effects of a stroke. I reread my review and all I can say is that I have good days and bad days.

And now for something completely different:

I get an email from One Drive daily showing me old photos I took.
Around 8 years ago, this guy contacted me and offered me his wares if I promoted his product.
It was a brilliant idea for smokers who like shiny things.
He would take cigar bands of your favorite cigar and cover a Zippo lighter or a ball point pen. They were beautiful. The price was around $50.
After a year, the guy went out of business.
But I still have what he sent me and I only bring them out for important herfs.


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