Famous Smoke offered me a gig as their first in-house reviewer. They liked my sense of humor. Little did I know what was in store. They wanted me to go to the extreme. Cigars were secondary to a ridiculous story. They sent me fivers of their most horrible in-house cigars. Horrible. And it was my job to go crazy.

They asked for a maximum word count of 1,000 words and I gave them what they wanted.

I provided reviews like this one but they were much more extreme and my betters at Famous edited them so that hominids of the smoker variety would understand.

Obviously, the reaction from customers of Famous was appalling. Smokers hated what I did…er, wait, I’ve heard that somewhere before. Those reader comments provided a reaction from me that was a dichotomy of laughter and suicide. I could have gone either way.

This is word for word what I wrote for my first review. I apologize. Please forgive me. But it started me in the right direction. So, I have enormous gratitude Famous providing a platform. Today? They want nothing to do with me.

The Stones Meet the Katman

I was bored. I needed an adventure to liven things up a bit. I owned a used, but in very good condition, Moose & Squirrel Time Jumper. I sat in my bamboo chair overlooking the Mediterranean, sipping fine cognac, and smoking a Gurkha Shit Republic CXXII. I dressed accordingly and then stood on the veranda and closed my eyes. I found myself in Boca Raton, Florida. Well, this was certainly a good start. I noticed a newspaper machine and the paper said it was Dec.18, 2069.

Standing in front of me was an old man with a bent cigarette hanging from his mouth and leaning against a steel post that supported the awning. This guy looked very familiar. I looked above where he was standing and it said, “Shalom Center for the Elderly.”

I introduced myself to the man. He replied that he was Keith Richards.
“Of the Rolling Stones?” I asked.
“Yup.”
I did the math and then stated that “You are 126 years old. How could that be?”
“Me and the lads did some dabbling in some occult things in our youth…that’s all I will say.”

He may have dabbled but he didn’t look a day older than 130. Keith motioned for me to sit at an outdoor table as the cigarette ash fell on his shirt. He still wore his traditional bandana around his head, but he was bald.

At exactly the same time, we reached into our own pockets and brought out cigars to offer the other. He nodded and said, “Cheers. TA.”
“Are the other boys alive?”
“Yup. They’re all here.”
“But why here?” I asked.
“Because they make the best brisket and matzoh ball soup I’ve ever tasted.”
Mick, Charlie Watts and Ronnie Wood joined us. Cigars were passed around. They were smoking Rocky Patel Next Generation CXXXVI.

Chit chat was minimal as they all had trouble speaking without their dentures falling out.
I made a bold proposal. “How about reuniting and do one last tour?” Mick and Charlie had fallen asleep.
Keith’s eyes lit up.

“We haven’t toured in 58 years, mate. That might be a hoot!” Mick opened his eyes long enough to nod his head in agreement and then it dropped and loud snoring began.
I said, “I will produce and manage the tour.” Keith kicked their chairs, and they nodded their heads in agreement.
“But we need a new bassist, mate.” I knew just the man. Rick the Wiseman. He played a 15-string bass guitar and was a monster.

A week later, I brought in some of the best cigar makers in the world to meet with us. I had the community room cleared and long fold-up tables brought in.
The cigar designers had already brought in several cigars that they had hoped would get the stamp of approval as the official cigar of the Stones. We sat there all morning trying different blends. And then it happened, Jose-Jose Dominguez Flores Cha-Cha-Cha presented a cigar that woke up Mick and Charlie.
We all lit up and instantly the taste of sweet tobacco and coffee bean swathed the palate. It was earthy. The body was full. It filled their dentures with delight.

We hired Rick the Wiseman and since he was only 91, his job was to keep the boys awake, so he circled that table giving small slaps to the back of the head of the napping boys.

Mick’s cigar kept falling in his lap. Each time it did, his head became erect, and he smiled with those huge lips. Rick quickly put the cigar back in his mouth.

A cigar was picked. It was called, El Rouge de Martinez de Flora de Que-Tip.” And blended by Jose Martinez Martinez Diablo Horowitz.

It was opening night, and we had hired several roadies whose sole job was to aid their assigned Stone. The crowd went wild when the Stones were wheeled onto the stage.

All had special wheelchairs configured so they could hold their guitars. Charlie had a special walker that allowed him to hit the only drum on stage, a snare drum. They had tried adding a bass drum but every time Charlie hit the foot pedal, he fell backwards.

Behind the stage was a huge banner with the famous lips but with an El Rouge de Martinez de Flora de Que-Tip cigar protruding from them.

They surged into “Satisfaction” but Rick the Wiseman couldn’t get his bass to make any sound. A roadie ran out and helped him turn the volume knob on his bass to 11…while connecting the guitar cord to the amp. Rick the Wiseman thanked him and then went on to play “Money” by Pink Floyd. No one noticed.

It was a 3-hour concert but only 4 songs were played. Keeping them awake was a bitch. Rick the Wiseman kept asking the audience if they remember when he was in the group “The Attitude?” No one paid attention.

The crowd especially loved it when Mick did his strut and dropped his pants showing off his Depends with the lips on the back. Keith did the same thing but had forgotten to put his diaper on. Yet still had a big pair of lips on his bottom.

With the dropping of his trousers, his 126-year-old balls actually hit the ground and bounced three times like broken maracas. Scotty the Kilt (chief roadie) came running and did his best to pull Keith’s pants up while scooping up ancient testicles that had a mind of their own.

I grabbed a couple boxes of El Rouge de Martinez de Flora de Q-Tip and left the arena by the back door. My work was done.

I learned later that the Stones did one final concert in 2143. Sponsors included Fix-a-Dent, Vaseline Petroleum Jelly, Dingle Industries Bidet Attachments, Skechers, Crisco Anti-Tremor Cutlery, The Clapper, Soluble Cheez Whiz, Trump University Pill Crushers, and iPhone 424 Pro Maxipads.

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Tags: 2010: My First Cigar Review for Famous Smoke Shop | Cigar Reviews by the Katman, cigar reviews, cigar reviews by the katman, cigars, famous smoke shop, katman, phil kohn