Wrapper: Ecuadorian Habano
Binder: Nicaraguan
Filler: Nicaraguan, Dominican
Size: 5.125 x 42 Corona
Strength: Medium
Price: $8.75 in 2019 ~ $11.00 in 2026

APPEARANCE:
Under room light, the cigar’s wrapper is sort of a coppery brown. In sunlight, it shines with oils and emollients to become a reddish/orange brown.
The skin is super smooth. Seams are hidden. Lots of veins for your road map to Tijuana. And a mish mosh of what I assume is a triple cap.
The stick is evenly distributed without soft or hard spots.
It’s a little bitty cigar so this shouldn’t take long…

SMELL THE GLOVE:
Aromas are very mild like a mild case of chlamydia. There are notes of milk chocolate. malt, white pepper, some espresso elements, earthy tobacco notes, and a touch of black licorice.
The cold draw presents flavors of white pepper, milk chocolate, malt, licorice, molasses, espresso, and cedar.

FIRST HALF:
First thing I did was look for other reviews. Only found a couple…never a good sign after a new release 3 months into its little sausage bodies hitting the shelves. Not one Gigantor Reviewer has touched it yet (I’m in the middle like the purple onion on lox, cream cheese, and bagel sandwich) And stranger yet, the reviews I found went the gamut from ‘meh’ to ‘better than sliced bread.’ I tried one a month ago and said meh. But it wasn’t my first stick of the day and I was still suffering a little sinusitis.
So, either I’m going to fawn over this blend…or I’m going to take a total crap on it. I’m going to piss off some smokers no matter which way I go.

Let us see where this mental copulation leads…a huge boner? Or a worn out cantaloupe.

The draw is a little plugged so I grab my trusty PerfecDraw draw adjustment tool and snag the blockage right at the cigar band point and I’m good to go. Just had too much resistance.

Nice flavors to start: Generic sweetness, a good dose of white pepper, lots of cedar, earthy, unidentifiable savory notes…
But nothing special…like forcing down a box of mac and cheese for 29 cents. It works but does not gratify.

Strength is an immediate medium. Like the size of shirt I wore when I was 11.

The blend starts off very ordinary. It could be one of a million other Nic mixed blends. Bradley let the kids do the blending. What a nice dad. Schmuck. And you get to pay for their time in the sandbox.

The burn is fine. The flavors are akin to sucking on a tobacco flavored paint stick.

Now the corona, based on its size, should be extremely flavorful compared to bigger sized sticks. Uh oh for the Gordo. You may have to hire a Haitian caregiver to sit on this baby for 8 months before it’s ready to smoke.

Morons on Cbid are paying more than the cigar is worth. I don’t get the attraction to this cigar. It is plainly a broken dildo.

This is why no one is reviewing it…they don’t want to piss of Alan Rubin.

This little pisher is smoking quickly. I’m nearly 1-1/2” into it before it begins to show of some sort of personality. There is a little more depth but that is a piss poor recommendation.
Flavors are nearly mute…hovering around earth, wind, and leather.

I read Developing Palates review in which 4 guys go at it oiled up and in the ring. They are spot on. It’s a dog turd but they are much more polite than I. But their scores don’t lie.

Based on how I was wiped out a couple times on Cbid trying to snag a fiver, I figured they must be the latest rage. Boy, am I glad that Calvin bought these and not me. Thanks, bud.

The guys at DP struggled to find flavors. I give them props for that. But this is about as flavorless as a dead hooker’s pussy…don’t ask.

This actually may be the worst Alec Bradley release ever. And he has some real litter covered cat turds on the market. Yet, his Magic Toast appeared on my top 25 list this year. He should have bought his boys a new tobacco farm Lego set instead.

Man, this cigar just ain’t going to get any better. My fervent hope is that it doesn’t get worse. At this point, a good Rum Crook would go down well.

Zero complexity. No transitions on the horizon. And the finish is barely existent. I see no potential in extended humidor time. I see Alec Bradley Co. serving me with a cease and desist order and then a slander suit to follow. Go ahead…take away my Social Security…I can make a living on the streets giving BJ’s to truckers.

Every now and again, some creaminess appears giving the false positive of a decent blend. The spiciness is on its death bed. The chocolate and espresso took off for the closet to sniff my wife’s shoes.

I do love the mustiness now present. Gives a whole new meaning for fucked up.

With the corona, we are talking maybe 35-45 minutes of smoke time. If I had a Toro to review, I would have done myself in the same way David Carradine did. But you gotta admit…going out with a spooge leap is better than your wife drowning you in a public bidet.

This is a regular production cigar…Ha. It won’t be around in 2020. And what’s left of it will hit the bargain racks soon. You will be able to buy a fiver of Alec & Bradley Gatekeepers for the same price as Avanti 2nds.

SECOND HALF:
This is a great $2 stick.
I mean there is nothing going on here. It’s like the first time your mom caught you jerking off and tried to talk your way out of it. It never happened. That is my hope with this blend…it never happened. But mom had nothing to do with it.

I checked Cbid and none for auction. Halle-fucking-leujah. That’s right…save the lives of smokers who could have donated $50 to their favorite glue sniffer’s charity.

The second half is a little better for a $2 stick. There are a few flavors trying to sneak their way out of this tampon. Maltiness and white pepper return. The tiniest hint of espresso reappears. Some creaminess saves the day for a total loss.

For you guys who know what you like and what you don’t like…I just saved you from the stink eye emitted from your mean as a snake wife’s face.

The mustiness has gone away.
But now bitterness sinks in. Fuck me…

I’m smacking my lips like a dog that just ate its own turd…doesn’t taste as good as you though it would, did you Fido?

This is an illegal abortion. I’d give $4 for a wire hanger right now.

I decide to gouge my eyes out with a hot butter knife. Ahh…I feel better now…where was I?
Oh shit. The Gatekeeper. I think the little corona keeps growing back because it seems to never end.
The bitterness is now stronger. That’s nice.

Has anyone ever varied from the numerical ratings and given a dog turd a “Fuck You.”

The bitterness stops. That was fun.
Now it’s just a soulless blend. Are the Rubin boys too old to spank?

If you’ve bought this stick, smoked it, and enjoyed it…you have a serious chemical imbalance.

Take my first sip of water and it miraculously erases all traces of the cigar’s taste. Fucking A.
I fondle the balance of the cigar in my hand. It whimpers, “I like you too, Father Kohn.”
I’m done. I need to look up the particulars on just how Carradine tied the rope.

RATING: Bullshit on a Stick

Categories: CIGAR REVIEWS