Wrapper: Ecuadorian Habano Oscuro
Binder: Nicaraguan
Filler: Dominican, Nicaraguan
Size: 6 x 50 Toro
Strength: Medium
Price: $25.00
Date Released: March 2024
Quantity Released: 1,500 boxes of 10
Factory: El Titan de Bronze, Miami
My cigars received 2 months of naked humidor time.
THE WHOLE MEGILLAH:
Warped is one of those rare manufacturers that has an excellent record for nailing the ten ring for most smoker’s palates. I’ve reviewed upwards of 35 Warped blends and truly enjoyed the majority of them. I reviewed the original El Oso Papa in 2014 and gave it a hearty thumbs up. The 2025 version is $10 more.
Plugged like my Aunt Matilda after 3 passes of gefilte fish and 2 rounds of kreplach and matzoh ball soup. My PerfecDraw throws its yarmulke on the sideboard, tripping on its funky sideburns, but regaining its balance by twirling like a Nebraska spinner. I thrust, circumcised pointy thing first, into the punched cap of my cigar…and whoosh…an exhausting saga later, a perfect airhole! Which is what you’re calling me right now.
A great smelling cigar full of dark cocoa, raw almonds, a touch of barnyard, smoky mesquite, and lovely floral notes. Notice how some burning leaves smell sweet while others not so much? As a certified botanist and certifiable congresswoman in training, I can answer that. The reason for this is that there is too much paraquat in the Nicaraguan soil left over from the Contras, in conjunction with the Marxist Sandinistas, during the regime of Anastasio Somoza, poisoning weed in the 1970’s. That’s a fact, Jack. Google it.
The blend starts with a very smooth approach of dark chocolate, earthiness, black cherries and mild black pepper.
The burn is sharp like a dozen marmots in warrior formation. The strength is very easy going which I found in my previous two sticks. The increase of the peace is gradual without sudden jerks.
The creaminess kicks in at ¾” burned. It renders the prominent dark cocoa helplessly hoping that there will be a pile of like-minded tones in its future. The first movie I took Charlotte to was Buckaroo Bonzai. The theater was in Hollywood, and I thought it would impress her that I knew where the best parking lots were. I was once again a poor musician who had his head up his ass wondering what went wrong.
In 1989, a friend who worked at Boeing was part of a small team developing AI. This guy was the youngest department head in the history of the company. If he would go off on a tangent, you had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. So, what did I do? I asked if he could write an AI program that would help my dad’s structural steel fab shop. Again, this was 1989. He said, of course. A month later, he did a presentation for my father and his business partner… and me. It was dazzling and almost impossible to comprehend. The presentation lasted nearly two hours, without a bathroom break. The business partners were Depression Era kids, and it all went above their pay grade. I loved the program and saw it as something that could reduce costs by 20%+. When you are a multi-million-dollar company, that’s a lot of dough. But in the end, Pops didn’t buy it because he didn’t understand it. Fast forward to 2026. The business partners are long dead. Me…on the way. I am now scared shitless of AI crawling out of its box and causing trouble until the designers of the new technology know what the fuck they are doing. The End.
I’ve been allowed into the dark territory of inch two and the blend becomes a saucy Jack style of edgy and brash but maintains a smoothness that is polyphonic giving it a splendid interpretation of complexity and depth. In layman’s terms, ‘It’s not bad, man.’ When you say that, you must hold the cigar in one hand slightly rotating it like a piece of kishka that found a home in your heart but not in your belly.
Strength edges towards medium/full. Notes of honey almonds. Spiciness is upped as red pepper joins the spice rack.
It’s a real conundrum. This is a limited release. We ‘made’ guys want to let you know if this is something you should jump on. Most of us hacks want the best for you…I don’t know about the professional reviewers…they live different lives: Playboy bunnies, unending amounts of Cuervo, all you can eat spaghetti, and the best tips on the race in the third. What was I saying…a heads up, that’s it. That’s all I’m saying. So yeah…reviewing a cigar only two months in could be totally misleading. Why do I do this…I don’t know. Some deep-seated insecurity screaming for attention…that and Ben Rotem (LCC) is standing next to me holding a C note telling me what to write. Since I don’t speak Aramaic, I proceed as usual.
In case you were wondering, and I know you aren’t; I’m listening to Sinatra. Sometimes you just gotta swing when you smoke a great stogie while you sit with a fine looking broad and know you got the world on a string. I get no kick from cocaine. (cue snare flam).
I taste the blender’s intent. I like it. But this cigar won’t be ready to tell its true story for at least another 3-5 months of induced coma. By then, a good chance that the 15,000 cigars will be gone. I’m surprised that some are still around 2 years after release. Smokers don’t like to see a rave review of a cigar they can’t purchase. A fact, Jack. I get hate comments from the Peanut Gallery. I sometimes wonder about my fellow reviewers. I see cigars I’ve never heard of getting critiques and then slammed. OK. I won’t buy that cigar. Thanks for the help. Got anything good instead of hating everything?
This is a chocolate candy bar. Some espresso pops up. The almonds sing to me. The flowery honeysuckle stands out. The black cherry influence requires no sommelier degree. And the earthy cedar and leatheriness is appropriate. The first half was fun. Everything I expect from a $25 stick.
The previous sticks did well in the second half. A sweet spot occurred and lifted the entire profile away from pretty damn good to exemplary. Remember, I’m reviewing this stick with only a couple months of home detention. Every Warped blend I’ve smoked excelled with extended rest but not so much right off the truck.
The reason that the Stooges (not Iggy’s offspring) stood up to time was their attention to detail. They took slapstick to levels that other vaudeville comedy troops never accomplished. Growing up in L.A., I was blessed to meet lots of artists. I met Soupy Sales. I met Shecky Greene. I had seder dinner with George Tobias (Abner Kravitz of ‘Bewitched’). I met The Smothers Brothers. I knew the comedy troupe, Curved Air. But I never met a Stooge. That craving hurt. Joe Besser’s influence killed the Stooges. He made Moe and Larry comb their hair. True dat.
Swimmingly, just delightful and effortless. Smooth as the strength reaches gonad crushing levels as my vision deteriorates and my fingers turn to mush on the keyboard. But I’m having a good time.
The chocolate and almonds bear down. My brain adds coconut to the mix, and I have the desired Almond Joy. Sometimes, flavors are so fluid that you can juxtapose anything you like to add to your enjoyment. This is the glory of being a cigar junkie.
The last third. Took 80 minutes to get here. A slow roll. The honey sweetness is strong. There is a floral note that wafts gently above the fray. This is cool, Daddy-O. Beat me eight to the bar.
Is this blend revolutionary? No. Is it something you’ve never tasted? No. Is it friendly, tasty, and warm? Yes. Is it a keeper? Absolutely.
While the strength is monumental, there is no nicotine.
RATING: 94
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Categories: CIGAR REVIEWS
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